Evading the Game Warden

Disclaimer #1: You all know me, right? You know that I would never advocate killing sweet (or not so sweet) little (or not so little) animals illegally, right? Or breaking the law at all, right? I mean, I even obey the speed limits when no one is looking. When I see a highway patrol, I don't even glance at my speedometer - I just wave. 

This post was written a few years back, and is completely tongue-in-cheek, at least on my end. (And not tongue-in-cheek at all on the part of my interviewee.) Bottom line: DO NOT POACH!

Disclaimer #2: All information has been changed to protect the identity of the person who shared this fascinating array of information with me. I will confirm that his actual gender was male (not that there would be any question in your mind after reading this), but all other details have been changed. I won’t even tell you which state he comes from. The fact that I’m thinking of him right after a visit to Wisconsin is probably just coincidence. But even if an enterprising game warden did correctly identify my male relative, he is now deceased, and beyond the reach of any law except God’s.

Great-uncle Danny was considered by many to be the black sheep of the family. If what he told me a few years ago was any indication, Grandpa and Grandma probably had to work very hard to keep my horizons from being too quickly expanded at a tender age, when I first met Uncle Danny. Mom said they probably had to work pretty hard when she was little, too, to keep her from learning a variety of colorful expressions and family anecdotes. `

When I saw Uncle Danny last, shortly before he died, I was a little surprised to find that he’d been carefully watching world events, and firmly believed that Jesus is coming soon. His growing convictions were a radical departure from the wild life he’d led. (Grandpa’s years of prayer on his behalf may have contributed to the change.)

Perhaps sensing that his time were getting short, Uncle Danny may have wanted to make sure that his extensive knowledge of poaching wasn’t lost to posterity, and I’m not talking about eggs. He’s what I would consider a vestigial mountain man, one of those old-time fellas who grew up back when you could kill anything, any time you needed to. Game laws have grown to be second nature for most of us, but for those who first saw them implemented, they must have seemed terribly restrictive.

Some adapted well to the increased regulations, and others went the road of Uncle Danny, doing everything within their power to outwit the game wardens. REMEMBER, NO POACHING!!!

April 25, 2008

HOW TO POACH

General poaching rules:

1. Never poach in the same place twice.

2. Don't get caught.

How to poach fish:

(Note: in a certain unnamed state, spear-fishing is illegal except for Native Americans.)

1. Remember that the refraction of the light in the water causes the fish to appear in a position that is slightly off from its actual location, so aim the spear where its head is. You should then strike it in the middle.

2. Don't catch more than you can carry in one load.

3. As soon as you get back to the car, hide it in the trunk and change out of your boots.

4. When the game warden shows up, tell him you weren't spear fishing, but another car pulled away just as you got there. The warden will be fooled.

5. Quickly take your catch to your friend's house and pull into his garage with all the windows blackened.

6. Dress fish.

7. Eat fish.

How to poach deer:

1. Find a deer out of sight of the neighboring houses.

2. Shoot the deer in the heart. A gut shot, besides being cruel to the deer, will mean that you are not able to track the deer through the woods and it will be wasted.

3. Scoop up the deer as quickly as possible, and throw it in the back of your pickup.

4. Drive away hastily, but not in a way that will attract attention.

5. Take deer to friend's house, and pull into the garage with the blackened windows.

6. Dress deer.

7. Eat deer.

How to poach wolves:

1. Prepare a warm water bottle.

2. Make sure the wolf is not within sight of any houses.

3. Shoot the wolf.

4. Slip the water bottle under the collar around the wolf's neck, so the collar alarm does not go off.

5. Quickly put the wolf in your vehicle and drive away.

6. Do not drive over 30 mph, so the collar alarm does not go off.

7. Make sure no one is looking.

8. Dispose of wolf where it will be difficult to locate.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this lighthearted tribute to Uncle Danny, one of the last heroes of the Old Ways, when you took what you needed—and only what you needed—when you needed it. And there was always more.

We live in a very different world now. For good or for bad, it’s not the way it used to be.

P.S. Remember, no poaching. Except eggs.